Letters from a Fathers Heart

I feel as though I need to apologize to you all for leading you all badly and for not being the role model that Christ called me to be. 

 While I have always known a lot of the Bible and God has chosen me and worked in me, I have failed to grasp and understand a basic truth. The truth is, my heart is desperately wicked and there is nothing I can do about it. 

 Now I have known that for most of my life and have said the same to many people, even you, in the past. However I have not fully embraced this truth and never really owned it. I would agree with it, but I would live my life as if it were not fully true. 

 You see, I always believed deep inside as if I could “help” Jesus transform my heart. That my knowledge and heritage made me not quite as wicked, and that the truth I knew made me better and made me healed. This is pride and arrogance that defies logic and contradicts scripture. It is a lie straight from Hell and has been a tool of Satan in my life to deceive me, and I embraced this lie with a bear hug. 

 The lies of Satan always seem to contain some truth. You see, I believed the truth that my heart is wicked and there is nothing I can do about it, but only in relationship to my salvation. What I failed to grasp is that this is just as true today as it was when I placed my trust in Christ for my salvation. I was deceived (and I LIKED the lie) that as I grew in Christ and became more like Him, the less I needed His grace and the Gospel in my life. Now this sounds absolutely stupid as I write it, but I liked how it made me feel. I liked thinking I was better than I used to be. I liked feeling better than others. It fed my ego and made me feel special and we all want to fell special. The lie grew in my heart and consumed it and distorted my view of myself. You see, I thought I was better, and that my heart was not as wicked as it used to be.

I failed to grasp that the Gospel of grace, and my need for the Spirit to transform my wicked heart, is a day to day need. I failed to realize that my heart is, and will always be while I am on earth, wicked, and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is only Jesus that can make a difference in me. My effort is in vain. My work is counter-productive. My belief that there is any amount of strength in me that can make me good, is just window dressing. This trust in myself and my effort is in vain. I can no more make myself like Christ than I can save myself from Hell. I readily acknowledge the latter, but struggle with the understanding of the former.

So, I am sorry. I am sorry for so easily believing the lies of Satan. I am sorry for being an easy mark and allowing myself to be enticed by the lie that fed my ego. I am mostly sorry that I did not teach you this truth sooner and allowed you to grow up watching me live the lie that you can help Jesus transform you, that your effort to be better is what is needed. That you need to pull yourself up and be better.

Now my hope is to go and sit at Jesus’ feet and acknowledge that I am a sinner and that my heart is wicked. I need to embrace this truth and reject the lie. I must stop trying to change myself and ask Jesus to break my heart. Only Jesus can break it and heal it. This truth of the Gospel is as true for me today as it was when I first understood it. Please pray for me to reject the lie that tickles my ear and embrace the Gospel daily. “The road to righteousness goes threw the fate of humility.

I love you all more than life itself. I regret that I did not demonstrate that more clearly.