Letters from a Fathers Heart

God has been abundantly gracious to me in all that he has provided. Between living in a country as great as America to being born into a family with a rich heritage and more than sufficient wealth. I have certainly had all the benefits a man could ever ask for. Even with this abundance, I have spent much of my life asking God for more. I have sought Him to change me spiritually, to make me feel better, and for circumstances to go well. And even though I have had so much, he has answered and provided much of what I have asked for. I have also beseeched God on behalf of my family as well. I have asked God to bless them and bring pleasant and meaningful circumstances into their life. I could speak to the goodness of God for a long time indeed. Haven’t we have all been given so much for us to be grateful for, and I am so very grateful for every member of my family and all that God has blessed me with.

But Jesus has been knocking on my heart lately and asking the question. His voice comes to me and says, “do you want me?” Of course my immediate response has been, “yes”. I want him to change me into His likeness, I want Him to heal my marriage, I want Him to provide the peace and joy that He promises. Of course I want Him. How silly of a question is that. Yet He continues and repeatedly has been asking, “do you want me?”

Slowly I have begun to understand what He is asking. I have been grateful for what He has given to me and I have grown to love God for what He provides for me, which is all good. What I am coming to realize is that I have been seeking for atonement from God and not necessarily reconciliation. We often use these words interchangeably, but I have begun to see them most differently. His atonement for me has put me in a place so that I am free of judgement. I have sought what Jesus can do for me and provide for me, but I have not really wanted Jesus or to be reconciled into a deep relationship with Him. Now a lot of what He gives me is good. He provides eternal life, peace, and comfort. He allows me to have joy in the midst of sorrow and strength when I am weak. These are all very good things … But they aren’t just Him.

In the second half of Mark 5, we have the story of two people that learned the difference between atonement and reconciliation. Between wanting what Jesus can give to us, and simply seeking to have Him. I see myself in them. The woman that was unclean because of her hemorrhaging and Jairus that had a sick 12 year old girl. Both were seeking Jesus for a healing. They both had faith, and they both believed in Jesus. They may have even seen Jesus as the Messiah. But they wanted Jesus for what He could give to them. Jesus interacted with both of them in such a way to make them decide if that is all they wanted Jesus for.

When the woman touched Jesus, He immediately stopped and called her out. He made her show herself and admit who she was and what she had done. He wanted her to decide if she only wanted his healing, or did she want Jesus and did she want to follow Him. By making her admit she had touched Him, she had to confess for breaking the law. Being unclean, and touching anyone, let alone a Rabbi, she was putting herself at risk. Jesus wanted to know if she thought He was worth stepping out and standing out for, or if she would slip away with her healing.

Now this all happened while Jesus was on the way to heal Jairus’ daughter. Jairus was getting the great Rabbi that heals people to come and see His little girl. But on the way, Jesus had stopped. Scripture doesn’t say how long they were stopped, but it was long enough for Jairus to get crushing news that his girl had died. He must have thought, “Jesus, why did you stop?” Imagine how dejected and/or angry he must have felt. But Jesus ignored all of that and told Jarius, “just believe.” Jesus was asking Jarius if he wanted his daughter healed or did he want Jesus? Did he believe in Jesus because of what Jesus could do for him, or did he really want Jesus regardless?

We follow these stories with Jesus walking on the water in Mark 6. This is the time the disciples go out ahead of Him, and He sees them struggling against the wind. He goes out and walks to them, and they become afraid seeing a man walking on the water. But what does say to them? “Have courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.” He tells them not to be afraid, but He doesn’t tell them they will be OK, nor does He tell them it is shallow and they can walk, He doesn’t even say He will calm the wind and solve their problem. He makes no promise of safety so there is no need for them to be afraid. No, He tells them not to be afraid because He is there. That’s it. They have Him, and that is reason enough not to be afraid. Let me repeat that, and let it sink in. He told them to not be afraid, not because they would be safe, but simply because He was there with them.

This is what I am learning is the difference between atonement and reconciliation, and it is what Jesus has been asking me. I know it is abstract and I am not good at describing what this means, but I am beginning to see it clearly and I am growing to want Jesus. I have loved all that he has given to me, and I look forward to what He will give me, and that He has promised me in scripture. But I am learning to simply desire Jesus. I will get all of His other promises, but having Him is beautiful. I am being transitioned from one seeking God for what He can give me, to one that simply wants Him. He is far more satisfying. He is what I need to seek.

Having Him is far better than having what He provides. May you seek Him with all your heart and find Him satisfying.