Category Archives: Jesus

Jun 17 2019
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Jesus, Marriage, Sin

Growing weary of doing good, or the lies that I telling myself

God continues to reveal to me how my heart is deceitful and how, so often, it is me trying to excuse my sin and making it look like it is someone else’s fault. I hate owning up to my own sin, so I am constantly trying to make it look like I am good, but something else has failed. I seem to have become very adept at hiding my own inadequacies, or really, just ugly sin.

Historically my life has been a 3 steps forward and 2 steps back kind of life. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it. Good but not great. This is the language I have learned to use. What it looks like, often, is I am convicted of something I am not doing and I set a course to do better. After a few days, weeks, or months I often stop due to discouragement or, and here is my favorite, I “grow weary of doing good.” Now doesn’t that sound godly? See, I am good at hiding my sin.

This has happened a lot in mine and Mom’s marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I have made plans and efforts to treat her differently or love her better, and later stop due to discouragement or becoming weary. It has been a repeated pattern and it is defeating and after many times of this cycle, I just don’t have the motivation to keep on trying. Now I use language here like I do with myself. It dresses up my efforts, and myself in general, to make me feel better about myself and my failures. I mean, it is not like it is my fault I quit, I just get discouraged and become weary of fighting the brokenness of this world, right. See, I have taken the blame off of me, and really put it on mom, and made her the failure. Now, I would never voice this, even to myself, but it starts to create resentment as it shifts responsibility.

Maybe you already see the lie clearly, but I have lived so long in my deception that I only saw this recently. You see God cracked the door when he challenged me on why I quit and what was the motivation for loving Mom. My efforts to treat her as God calls me to, was failing because I would not get some satisfaction from this effort and therefore become discouraged or weary and quit. You see, this is just a crack God is opening, because this still puts the blame on Mom. She is not responding to my love as she should and therefore, she is the reason I grow weary.

Sometimes God can only reveal so much to me at a time or I get overwhelmed with my own sin. So months later I am continuing to be challenged with this, but not seeing my “wearyness” as my sin, which it really is. As I continued to see this and get to the root of the issue, I am discouraged because I am putting forth effort in a relationship and not getting back the “needed” or expected benefit to myself that I was wanting, and therefore quit.

What I am doing is an unspoken expectation of, I will do “x” if I get “y” in return. This is not love it is a transaction and is very much, “I will love you if …” This is hard to realize when I have spent my life believing that I just grow weary of doing good. That sounds SO much better than, I will love you only if you love me back the way I want you to. But wait, God is still not done.

When you get to the root of this transactional living, it is really just a form of manipulation. I do something in order for mom to do what I want her to do for me in return. And if she doesn’t, I will stop what I am doing for her. In the end, it is my effort to control the relationship and get out of it what I want, and when that fails, I punish her for not doing what I tried to get from her by withholding what I was doing to please her. When I put it like that, it is pretty ugly and a far cry from the lie of “growing weary of doing good.” The ugliness of my sin and my deceit is hard and one would think it would weigh me down and be discouraging.

As odd as it sounds, me realizing this and seeing my sin for what it is hasn’t been as hard as I would have thought., but really rather refreshing. I can’t really explain it, aside from “the truth shall set you free.” I have been lying to myself for so long to make myself feel better about my failures that seeing the truth has been like a breath of fresh air for me. The lies of the flesh are weighty and sin is defeating whether we realize we are sinning or not. Having God show me my sin and reminding me that, it too, is covered by His redemption has made it far easier for me to actually love Mom genuinely without the manipulation, but rather out of response to the love I have been shown by Jesus. Not that I am done with transactional manipulation, but Jesus is healing me from that and renewing my heart as He is faithful to do.

This is just one more letter to point you to Jesus, as He is the answer. He is good and loving and gracious and I encourage you to take your broken heart, your hurts, your wounds, your discouragement, and your wearyness to Him and he will reveal to you, at your pace, how He wants to make you more like Him as you passionately pursue a relationship with Him.

I love you,

Dad

Apr 22 2015
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Jesus, Uncategorized

I am sorry

I feel as though I need to apologize to you all for leading you all badly and for not being the role model that Christ called me to be. 

 While I have always known a lot of the Bible and God has chosen me and worked in me, I have failed to grasp and understand a basic truth. The truth is, my heart is desperately wicked and there is nothing I can do about it. 

 Now I have known that for most of my life and have said the same to many people, even you, in the past. However I have not fully embraced this truth and never really owned it. I would agree with it, but I would live my life as if it were not fully true. 

 You see, I always believed deep inside as if I could “help” Jesus transform my heart. That my knowledge and heritage made me not quite as wicked, and that the truth I knew made me better and made me healed. This is pride and arrogance that defies logic and contradicts scripture. It is a lie straight from Hell and has been a tool of Satan in my life to deceive me, and I embraced this lie with a bear hug. 

 The lies of Satan always seem to contain some truth. You see, I believed the truth that my heart is wicked and there is nothing I can do about it, but only in relationship to my salvation. What I failed to grasp is that this is just as true today as it was when I placed my trust in Christ for my salvation. I was deceived (and I LIKED the lie) that as I grew in Christ and became more like Him, the less I needed His grace and the Gospel in my life. Now this sounds absolutely stupid as I write it, but I liked how it made me feel. I liked thinking I was better than I used to be. I liked feeling better than others. It fed my ego and made me feel special and we all want to fell special. The lie grew in my heart and consumed it and distorted my view of myself. You see, I thought I was better, and that my heart was not as wicked as it used to be.

I failed to grasp that the Gospel of grace, and my need for the Spirit to transform my wicked heart, is a day to day need. I failed to realize that my heart is, and will always be while I am on earth, wicked, and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is only Jesus that can make a difference in me. My effort is in vain. My work is counter-productive. My belief that there is any amount of strength in me that can make me good, is just window dressing. This trust in myself and my effort is in vain. I can no more make myself like Christ than I can save myself from Hell. I readily acknowledge the latter, but struggle with the understanding of the former.

So, I am sorry. I am sorry for so easily believing the lies of Satan. I am sorry for being an easy mark and allowing myself to be enticed by the lie that fed my ego. I am mostly sorry that I did not teach you this truth sooner and allowed you to grow up watching me live the lie that you can help Jesus transform you, that your effort to be better is what is needed. That you need to pull yourself up and be better.

Now my hope is to go and sit at Jesus’ feet and acknowledge that I am a sinner and that my heart is wicked. I need to embrace this truth and reject the lie. I must stop trying to change myself and ask Jesus to break my heart. Only Jesus can break it and heal it. This truth of the Gospel is as true for me today as it was when I first understood it. Please pray for me to reject the lie that tickles my ear and embrace the Gospel daily. “The road to righteousness goes threw the fate of humility.

I love you all more than life itself. I regret that I did not demonstrate that more clearly.

Jul 25 2012
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Jesus

PASSIONATELY PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS – THE WITH PART

Why I ask all that will listen to, “Passionately Pursue a Relationship with Jesus”

The With part.

As you know, I tend to be a man of extremes. When I am goofy, I am really goofy, and when I am funny, I go at it with all I have and am focused on that. Of course, when I am serious, I am all business and will tend to get loud with my intensity and go on and on to make my point. My challenge usually has been to be ale to move from one to the other and back or to only be a 7 instead of a 10 on the scale.

This translates into my walk with God as well. I will lag behind Him and just be obedient to the easy stuff, but not walking in step with Jesus necessarily. I will then become motivated and will (metaphorically) zoom past God and be real passionate about Him, but running around doing what I THINK He wants me to do, or what I would want me to do if I were Him, which has really caused me to “step in it” a few times.

What I have done far to little of is walking WITH Him day by day and depending on Him to lead me moment by moment. You see, this takes patience and dependence to walk WITH Him instead of for Him.

Patience – This Fruit of the Spirit has been a key ingredient in many of the lives of those listed in the Hall of Faith (Hebrews 11)
* Noah had to wait for 120 years after God told him to build the Ark before it started to rain.
* Abraham had to wait over 20 years for God to provide the son that was promised.
* Joseph was given dreams and then was sold into slavery and put into prison for a decade before he saw God fulfill His promise.
* Moses spent 40 years as a shepherd while God prepared him for the job of freeing the Israelites, and then had to spend another 40 years wandering and leading a large and fickle nation of people.
* David was anointed King by Samuel and then had to run and hide from Saul for years.
* Samson had to wait in prison, blind, for his hair to grow out and for God’s Spirit to return before he could fulfill his calling as a Judge of Israel.
* Paul had to spend years after being called by Jesus before he was able to start his ministry.

From this list and my own experiences, it is not uncommon for God to ask you to walk with Him in obedience for a time before he provides you the opportunity to have an impact for Him. We must take God at His word when He tells us through Paul that “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6

Do not grow weary or tired of walking with Him when you don’t see those things that you want to see accomplished. God works on a different time-table than we do and He wants you “with” Him far more than He wants you off doing things you think He wants you to do.

Dependence – I know nothing about this part from personal experience, except for how to NOT be dependent. This is an area where God is currently teaching me about my failures. I am a capable, talented and resourceful person, and have always been able to figure things out and get things done so I have not been dependent on anyone during my life, not God, Mother, or friends for help and assistance and guidance … all to my own peril.

This is the epic battle between Pride vs Humility and it is a fight for control of our lives. The imagery in Psalm 40 is what I need to remember, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

There is nothing in these verses that speak of what David had done, except to understand his neediness and cry to God for deliverance. The idea that without God, I am nothing but stuck in a mud pit crying for help is one of dependence. I can accomplish many things in this life, make a lot of money, teach a lot of lessons and help a lot of people, but as long as they are done by my strength and my talents, they are only for my glory and not God’s. That is independence, and it is the ultimate arrogance.  God wants us dependent on Him so that He gets the glory when something of worth is accomplished. See yourself accurately through the eyes of David and Psalms 40.

To sum this letter up, let me provide a recent, though rare, example of success.  Through your growing years, I was not intentional in some areas as I should have been, so in these areas, I was walking behind/without God.  Earlier this year, I felt Him challenging me to do something with/for you guys to that would impact your spiritual development.  At this point, I am walking with Him.  I set out my plan, but it does not go as I thought it might have, and my thoughts turned to, “What can I do to make this happen, since I know it would be pleasing to God.”  This is the point where I run out in front of God and am not practicing patience nor dependence.  While on a walk, I start to think about this post and God intervenes and says “Why don’t you pray for them that I would put it on their hearts, instead of you trying to make them want it.” I almost stopped right there and then as I was afraid I might step on my jaw, since it had just dropped to the sidewalk.  THAT would be walking WITH God!!

Philippians 1:27, “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. (Bold and Italics added)

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Jun 20 2012
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Jesus, Passion

Passionately Pursue a Relationship with Jesus – The Jesus Part

Why I ask all that will listen to, “Passionately Pursue a Relationship with Jesus”

The Jesus part.

Because we need Jesus!!! We as people are selfish, cruel, and evil without the influence of Jesus on our lives.  We need Jesus for Salvation, Sanctification, and Sustenance.

Salvation – Psalm 40:1-2″ I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Before Jesus called to us and redeemed us, we were stuck in a stinky ugly pit and covered with the mud of our own filth and sin. It is an important image that we need to keep being reminded of, lest we start to think of ourselves as something on our own. This is our starting point and we must always remember where we come from. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Fundamentally, and at our core, we are evil and need of someone to save us from ourselves. This cannot be overstated and is something I often lose site of, because it is our nature to want to think of ourselves as better than we really are. But because of our sin nature, we are dirty and filthy and selfish and in need of the salvation that Jesus provided for us at such a great cost.

Sanctification – Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” The same Gospel (good news) that saves us, will sanctify us, that is, making us into the image of Christ. Because we are still trapped in our sinful selves, this will not ultimately be finished until we are with Jesus, but when He called us, He started the process of sanctifying us. He promised and He will do it. Now this is sometimes a pleasant process, but I have found that it is more often a painful one of having more of me chipped away, to reveal more of Him. While I am not sure why, it has been my experience that we never have more of ourselves stripped away on the mountain top, but rather it often happens in the valley.  Sadly, some of these valleys are deep and dark. But hope in this, I can assure you, it is ALWAYS worthwhile. Pain is for a while, but sin we hang onto can hurt yourself and others for a lifetime (1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials).

Sustenance – John 4:13-14 “Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'” While the focus of this verse speaks to salvation, it is the redemptive work of Christ that also sustains us day to day. We need Jesus to provide us our daily needs of Grace, Love, and Mercy that only He can provide. While Colossians one says He keeps the universe in motion, he also provides me the strength each day to live, not only  for Him, but AS Him, when my poor, pitiful, and embarrassing efforts are not enough (2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me”). I stand here to testify that His Grace, indeed, is sufficient.

Jesus Saves us, Sanctifies us, and Sustains us, because He loves us with a love that is uncomprehendable,  in order to bring Glory to Him because He is worthy above all else.

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